Official letter to the good people of Colon, Nebraska

To the Esteemed Residents of Colon, Nebraska:

Greetings from Colon, Michigan - the United States’ largest and most magically active Colon.

I write today with a simple, heartfelt request.

America, as a nation, struggles with many things: potholes that qualify as minor landmarks, Wi-Fi dead zones that defy both logic and topography, and automated phone menus clearly designed by someone who hates us.
But even with all that, there is one challenge we simply cannot endure: multiple Colons.

Your community is beautiful, peaceful, and likely able to hold its entire population in a single church basement. And while we admire your resilience and charm, we must also acknowledge the numeric reality:

Colon, Nebraska is considerably smaller than Colon, Michigan.

Therefore, with respect and affection, we humbly invite you to assume the honorary title:

“Semi-Colon, Nebraska.”

This would help prevent national confusion, reduce administrative discomfort, and keep the country… regular.

Wishing you all the best from the larger Colon,

BJ Mallen
Colon, Michigan - the Magic Capital of the World